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Life can be tough some times.

A month ago yesterday, my mother died.  She and I were very close.  I always considered her one of my best friends, which was a blessing to me as I grew up.

Mom was staying with us at my house while she recovered from a back injury.  She had a stroke on Saturday, June 16 and died on Sunday, June 17th, 2012.  I have since given the eulogy at her funeral, helped organize her organ donation with my sister, sent a lot of thank-you cards, begun cleaning out her house, made up a spreadsheet of her financial accounts, paid some of her bills, and started closing down all her online accounts.

I have good days where I find old photos and notes, and remember good times from growing up.  I have bad days where I find things that made her cry, or see where sadness and exhaustion took her willpower away from her.  Some days I just feel numb.  I keep getting the impulse to call her and tell her about little things, or to let her know that I made it back up to Atlanta safely.

So yeah, life has been tough.  Work has been tough.  I spend most of my “off” hours sorting through the remains of her life, trying to organize and clean it up to make some sense of everything and to create a lasting memorial of her for the family to share.  I don’t sleep so well any more.  I try to eat well and exercise, but that’s tough too.  I don’t like to whine or gripe, in general — most of you know that I have a tendency to be “solutions focused” — but this is something that has no solution.  I’m going to miss her forever.

But there’s a lot of good memories to comfort me, and a lot of great folks that have been very supportive through everything.  I haven’t been my normal upbeat, hyperactive, do-ALL-the-things self lately, but everyone’s been pretty understanding of that.  I anticipate it’ll be several more months before things start to return to normal for me.

So yeah.  That’s it.  Life can be tough some times.

The last two weeks have been spent going back and forth between Valdosta, Athens and Atlanta, visiting family, friends, and loved ones.  There were a few surprises, both pleasant and unpleasant, and without going into too much detail, here’s what I learned:

1. Intimacy is much better than fame.
2. Cultivate your friends carefully — quality is always better than quantity.
3. There comes a point where we become caretakers to our parents, and our parents become like our children.  It’s terrifying, and yet it allows us to lovingly serve those who helped us become who we are, in a way that truly brings balance to the circle of life.  I hope I have a long, long time to serve my many Mothers (both biological and spiritual) in this way.
4. We all want the dignity of making our own decisions, without feeling pressured or harassed.
5. Doctors know a lot about one thing.  But they don’t know everything.
6. When we’re hurt, scared, and in pain, it’s always best to have an advocate at our side to help.
7. I am love, and you are too.

Here’s hoping this finds you right where you need to be.  All my love to you and yours!

Cliff